I am Scared of Losing You

Today is the seventh day of May with the Blog Every Day in May challenge.  Feel free to join in and if you catch this anytime through out the month feel free to just jump right in.  Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you’re most afraid of.

Self portrait in an ambulance by Bonnie Rose Photography © 2013 All Rights Reserved

 I have always answered the question ‘What makes you most afraid?’ with a more serious answer than just spiders or the dark.  I really do dislike spiders and find the unknown in the darkness to be quite terrifying.  However, my deepest feeling of being afraid comes from the fear of being alone.  Perhaps this is a common fear among the population with a need to be connected and to be heard.  On a more personal level I see this fear of being alone coming from many years of having to say ‘goodbye’ and being in a new place again and again.  While I would never want to have my childhood any less nomadic the price comes with times of solitude.  

In my life, people do not tend to stay very long.  They come and go easily, just as I move in and out easily.  I have constantly and always moved every 2-3 years (if not more frequently) since I was born.  My father, an officer in the USAF, was always coming and going with his job.  There would be some times where he would be gone more frequently or for longer stretches of time due to war.  While my self conscious has blocked out the multitude of his absence, I really only remember the good times when he was around.  As a young married adult with kids of my own I really wanted to work on our relationship despite the long distance between us.  At times it felt like my husband (who was then also in the military) could connect and talk with him much easier.  Despite his long military career he was a very happy man full of life and love for others.  I was just looking forward to being able to bond with him in my adult years.  I was twenty five when was killed and ending any further connection between a daughter and her father.

I have had to deal with periods of being alone since then and have realized I pretty much fall short.  It is not that I am so scared of being alone that it thwarts my life.  It is that I view the purpose of living to be centered around the love and experience with those in our life.  I do not believe we were made to be alone.  It is in the hardest of times and the darkest of times that we need others more than ever.  Having been alone and going through the loss of my dad, to be followed with the almost dissolution of my marriage within the same year is something I would not wish on another human being.  I look back on those years and see how it has made me stronger.  It has made some relationships in my life, like with my husband, better than before.  However that fear is not gone.

I’m still terrified of losing someone.

My dad was killed on his bicycle by a person in a car under the influence of drugs.
My mother’s brother, who was mentally challenged, had been killed on a bicycle.
During my freshman year of Uni I was hit by a car on a bicycle and luckily walked away with just scrapes and bruises.

Source: Remember Charles

I have not yet let my boys ride bicycles since my dad’s passing.  They have gotten to play on similar items in the safety of a yard and under my watchful eye.  It is not the bicycles, but the fear of others hurting my loved ones that scares me. Mountain biking in the countryside would be fine.

In the last week my husband has gotten a bike helmet and bright orange safety backpack.  His bicycle to ride to work is on its way.  I would be lying if I said I was not scared.  As we do not have a car he walks to and from work every day and a bicycle would cut down on the time.  Having ‘gasped’ at a few drivers here in England already who are going too fast on the road I walk on with the kids it scares me that something might happen to him.

I am scared that something might happen to my family, especially now when everything is so much better. When this is the happiest and most content my family has ever been and I’m scared of what might happen.


I end this by saying that if you drive a car please drive safe.  Nothing is so important that you are in that much of a hurry to put others in danger.  Do not even touch your phone if you are operating a motor vehicle. Do not put others lives at risk just to see a text message or answer a call.  If you have taken any  drugs (legal or not), any alcohol  or are sleep deprived do not drive.  If you are a driver and there is a cyclist around you do not get upset because they are not in a car.  Show respect and curtesy by giving them the proper distance and space.  To me driving is a privilege and you are on the road near people who are loved by someone back home.  Share the road. 
Source: Remember Charles

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*photographs found here either belong to Bonnie Rose of Bonnie Rose Photography © 2013 All Rights Reserved | www.bonnie-rose.co.uk 

  • http://hemborgwife.wordpress.com/ hemborgwife

    It is very interesting how you said you blocked out many of the times of your dad being gone, my father in law is in the military here in Sweden and I feel that my husband has done the same thing about his childhood. When I have asked questions about how his mom did things with his dad gone he often cannot even remember those times even though he was gone.

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05022023043718407104 Bonnie Rose

      that is so neat that your husband is the same way. It really must be some sort of way the brain helps in stressful situations. I know there was a lot of times it was just my mum and my sister and I but honestly my best memories are when my dad was there. Thank you for sharing! x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16954804123165852845 Living in Another Language

    I felt your pain with your dad. Sounds like we grew up in similar situations with our dads being gone all the time with deployment. I am so thankful and blessed to have mine still in my life. Thank you for your honesty in this post!

    That is INSANELY crazy about the bike thing. How strange. I’d feel the same way if I were you if MY husband was riding a bike to work! Yikes. Sounds like he’s taking as many safety precautions as he can.

    -Amanda | Living in Another Language

    • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05022023043718407104 Bonnie Rose

      Thank you Amanda. :) It def can be a stressful life as a family member of the military. I know Ryan will be really safe, I just hope all the drivers out there are safe too.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01079473916722620673 Erika @ CHiMERiKAL.com

    Wow, your fear of bikes is completely founded! I’m so sorry!

    As for being alone, I used to fear that so much. Maybe I still do, in some senses. In some ways, the past year of my life has made me confront that fear and I guess I’m not so scared because I’m learning that in some ways, we’re never alone. But I totally get what you’re saying and still struggle with it.

    As for the other stuff — losing people — yes, yes, yes… that’s definitely high on my fear list. Which is very long, haha.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14062673893298395239 Georgie

    This really resonated with me. Four years ago, when I was 18, my father died very suddenly too – he suffered a huge heart attack (from an undiagnosed heart condition). This was made all the harder because, like your father, my father was away a lot – he had to take a job 400 miles away and was only home on the weekends. It took such a long time for me to not unconsciously expect him home every weekend, and to not look forward to Friday night. 11 months later my grandmother died in a similar way. From that moment on, I was terrified that I was going to lose everyone I loved. It’s a horrible fear, and it’s taken years to conquer it. But I realised that if I didn’t try to not think about it, it would control my life and the lives of the people I loved. You have to trust that the people you love will be safe. But it’s so hard to place trust in the fact that 99% of the time, people will be fine, if you’ve been affected by the 1%. It’s still my greatest fear, but I’m trying to live with it. xox