There are fifty days until our tenth wedding anniversary and vow renewal ceremony in the Snowdonia region of Wales. Final travel arrangements are being confirmed and my to do list is being prioritized.  There has been one task that I have been putting off until ‘closer to the date’.  My husband urged me this weekend to finally try on my wedding gown.  It has been perserved in a box, inside another box for safe keeping since our wedding in 2003.  In the last ten years it has been moved six times and lucky has never been lost or damaged.  Taking the gown out of the box and feeling the smooth duchess satin, I was reminded just how much I loved this gown.  I had fallen in love with the idea of it once I laid eyes on the blue sash gown by Amsale in my Knot magazine. Since it cost as much as my entire wedding budget I found a seamstress in town to make a replica for a fifth of the cost.  Other than choosing to keep the sash the same colour of the gown it was a perfect comparison.  I honestly could wear this gown every day for the rest of my life because it is that beautiful to me.  I could never sell it and would love to see my future daughter wear it one day.  Be it as a wedding gown, or repurposed for a baby. 

Another reason I had been putting off trying it on was that there were three issues before me.  Aside from having only worn it once ten years ago I have had two kids since that time.  I also wore a full bridal corset that I no longer own as I sold shortly after the honeymoon.  The third is that since Christmas I have not been eating a strict paleo diet and can tell that the carbs from bread, porridge and potatoes (chips/mash/roasted) have gone right to cover up my abs. When Ryan exclaimed, ‘Wow, its tiny!’ as he held up the gown for me I started to get worried. I stepped into it and held the bodice up to my chest as the final test awaited us.  Could we get the zipper to go all the way up?  

I cannot tell you the answer to that as the zipper broke in the process and my excitement about putting on my favourite gown plummeted with it. I attempted to make a status message or send a tweet about it but then canceled it as I was too heart broken.  In six weeks and a couple days I am planning on wearing this gown and now I not only have to figure out where to get it pressed but how to fix the zipper. Not to mention I need to get a corset, keep all carbs away, and stick to Paleo until after we return from Wales. 

So here I am with a a dress out of its perserved box and I will admit I am crushed that I do not know if I can now wear it.  The practical part of me is saying that Ryan’s DIY idea of fixing the zipper himself will work out and that I will most definitely shed the carb baby I’m currently carrying before we get to Wales.  The dress will fit.  I hope to hold onto that shred of optimism   

I will be honest that the last couple of days I have been pretty down about it.  I lacked the motivation to take this photo at all and it took me two sessions of it on Tuesday to get my shot.  The first time around I ended up just laying on the bed with my gown still on and taking a nap. The toll of it not fitting was not conducive to working with my creative needs.  However, I got a few shots I liked in the second go around thankfully.  

I like my self portraits to come across like paintings and this photograph I feel fits the bill.  I love the gown, I am crushed that it will no longer zip, and my hair cascaded down in front of my face to hide the tears.  

xx

B.