Category Archives: tck

Advice from my Dad

Daddy’s little girl and TCK  |  RAF Upperheyford 1984
Day Three of Blogtember states, ‘Pass on some useful advice or information you learned and always remembered‘.  I remember recently sharing this advice from my dad with you all on Six Things You Should Know About Me. So for this post I decided to share a clip from my wedding video where I found it.  I also kept in the end of the conversation with our groomsman J as it really shows my dad’s happy personality.  He was always smiling and laughing and that is sometimes what I miss most of all.  

 
Advice from my Dad from Bonnie Rose on Vimeo.

Note: I will state that I did not write his advice word for word on my previous post, but from memory.  I acknowledge the difference in wording, though the meaning is the same. 

You can read about The Story of How He Died here. 
*Content belongs to Bonnie Rose of  A Compass Rose Blog


TCK: Where I Come From

Today marks a new monthly blogging challenge called Blogtember, hosted by Story of My Life blog. Which means that some days this month you will be seeing more than one post a day as I have other regular scheduled posts.  If you are also participating in the link up, let me know in the comments so I can view your post too!

Day 1 of Blogtember. Today’s prompt asks that you describe where or what you come from. The people, the places, and/or the factors that make up who you are.

Fact. I have not lived in one place longer than three years at a time since the time I was born.  I am now thirty years old. Through out my nomadic existence I have been asked by people all over the world the same seemingly simple question:

“Where are you from?”

Insert the sound of crickets. Or the sound of a sigh from my lips as I pause and try to quickly determine just what length of an answer the person before me requires to move on in our conversation.  Perhaps this time I can just say ‘everywhere‘ and softly laugh as I flick my hair back behind my shoulders with a twinkle in my eye. Leaving just enough mystery in my vague answer that it suffices for the moment. 
It really depends on what country I am in, where the person who is asking the question is from, and just how much time we may spend in conversation that determines a rough idea of what I may say.  Since I currently live in England I shall give you an example of how it normally has gone since we moved here in 2011. 
“Where are you from?”
“I live here in Bath, ” I reply as I assume they think I am here on vacation. 
“Oh. Where did you live before here?”
“All over. My husband was in the military and my father before him.”
“So where are you from?”
“Well I was born here in Oxford.”
“Really? But your accent…”
“Is American. I know. I have had an English accent twice in my life once in Oxford and then when we moved back to England around the Norfolk area.”
“So how come you have an American accent?”
“My parents are American.”
“So you grew up mostly in America?”
“Not really. I grew up moving around Europe until I was seventeen.”
“Well…where are your parents from?”
“My dad grew up in New Jersey but he left at seventeen to join the USAF and had moved around ever since. My mum has lived in a few different states as her parents were part of a churching planting group.”
A pause as my answer really has not clarified where I call ‘home’ or from where my accent originates.
“I am dual citizen though, since I was born in England and it is why I wanted to move back. I do not really see America as my home since I did not grow up there.”
The question now as resolved as it can be and I will be referred to after that moment as ‘the American’. 
——
I have started referring to John Barrowman now that I live in a country that knows of the actor who starred in Doctor Who and its spinoff, Torchwood.  He is Scottish and retains that accent when conversing with his family members. However his main accent is an American one that he picked up as a child when his family moved to live in the US.  Basically after being teased enough with a Scottish one he realized to fit in he would have to sound like everyone else.  As an actor he is known by his American accent. 
My theatre professor at my University asked me where I was from because he could pick up regional dialects from all over the country, and places from which I have never lived. However like a sponge I have picked up how to say words and phrases from the people I have spent much time around. In the military world that encompasses people from all over.  
My accent and ‘home’ aside I am made up of all the places, the people, and cultures from which I have come in contact with throughout my life.  My world view, the way I relate to people, and the person I am to the core has been molded by generations of people from multicultural backgrounds.  I have a chameleon soul that picks up little things from the people around me.  It would be nice to have an easy answer that people could understand.  I could say I was from Los Angeles, California and people could right away put me in a box and see me a certain way and know me by not just a single nationality but a particular region in a state. Being a nomad is the only thing I know as it has been my entire life and I would not ask for it to be any other way. 
—–
If you would like to know more about Third Culture Kids, check out my post on TCKs

Parenting: 5 Things I Have Learned

Bonnie Rose Photography © 2007 – 2013 All Rights Reserved | http://www.bonnie-rose.co.uk 
The photographs above were taken on my mum’s last night in England.  Ronan was ready to have is photo taken and posed and Maddox was still holding on to his feelings of being upset. To his defense he did pick the flowers for me and out of love, but unfortunately it was not our garden. However, I love both photographs because they showcase the ups and downs that is raising children.  Before I had kids I envisioned a happy little family of laughter and giggles.  You do not think about the stresses and challenges that come along with your growing bundle of joy before having kids.  
I love my children and I love my weekends because it is all about family time.  I cherish those moments most as an expat living abroad.  I try to leave my Sunday posts open to flexibility so if I need a day to just write thoughts or share photographs I can do so.  So many of my friends as of late are starting to have babies or adding more children to their family.  So the thought of kids and parenting has been on my mind frequently.  Today I share five things that I have learned personally since becoming a parent.  While these may not agree to you, they fit my family.  My husband and I understand that just because it is different, it does not make it wrong.  If you do read through this and can relate, feel free to join in the discussion at the bottom by commenting.  Hope you are all having a great weekend! 
1.  When you become a parent you take on your own style of parenting.  
The way you parent may not necessarily be the same way that your parents raised yourself.  Nor will you parent the same way as one of your siblings.  Your best friend in all the world who shares all your common interests may too parent differently.  This does not make either party right or wrong.  In fact the same parenting style for one child may not even work for your second or third child.
2.  Families can be both extremely helpful and also overly complicate matters after children come along.  
It really depends on the family, specific family matters, and the situation.  I can be around my mum , sister, and uncle and have no issues arise while they praise the boys for how respectful and loving they are and accept my parenting style.  I can also be around the family of my inlaws and have every parenting choice put into question, be over stepped as a parent, and treated like a sixteen year old instead of a married mother in her thirties.  The thing you have to remember is when it comes down to it what is important are the parents and the children.  Block out the negative outside opinions and influences.
3.When kids are hungry they will eat.  
My children spent three years of their young life growing up in Hawaii and so they were introduced to a variety of foods that included but not limited to: fish, sushi, pho, pancit, and jiaozi.  Instead of eating out at typical ‘american’ chain restaurants we went to our favourite local spots for Vietnamese, Philippine, Chinese, or Japanese food.  Fast forward to today and we eat a lot of vegetables, fish, and meat with what is closely related to a paleo diet.  All in all I know my kids eat foods now that their cousins back in the US will probably never eat until they are adults. My husband and I also do not allow picky eaters at the table.  We serve them just enough that they would be able to eat and expect them to eat it all or most of it, depending on what is served.  If my son eats everything but leaves one thing and goes right into ‘i do not like it’ then he is told he has to eat it and do it quickly.  My sons have  yet to be stubborn enough to sit at the table for hours without eating the food and more often then none exclaim that they actually like the food after eating it.
They will probably be sick of this story once they are teens but I always tell them that learning to eat something you may not out right love will train them to be amazing travelers ready to experience new foods in any country they visit.  They will learn to eat something and smile so that they will always be respectful to their hosts when living abroad.  Again my children are not other people’s children and I am aware that they have had a broaden world view already for being kids with American citizenship.  However, from experience I have realized that my kids will eat if they are hungry or motivated enough.  Sometimes a little dessert bribery can go a long way.
4. Having boys is a lot different from having girls.  
I say this as a mother of two boys with no daughters and as a girl who grew up having just one sister.  I honestly did not know what life would be like living with a guy until after my husband and I were married.  I now live with three guys and it is quite the experience sometimes.  I remember growing up as a girl and being able to spend an entire day indoors reading or playing with my dolls.  Keeping my sons inside the house for too long and they will find a way to bring outside play into the house with running up and down the stairs, loud shouting, toys being thrown and explosion noises being heard from their location.  I recently was watching a group of girls in varying ages at the park play and just realized how differently they played compared to my sons and their friends who were running around the grassy field nearby.  I would love to have a daughter next, but after eight years could not imagine my life without my boys.
5. Being a mother is comparable to being a broken record at times.  
I honestly say the same things over and over in one day, in one week, and through out the month.  You would think that once it has been understood you have progressed enough to not have to look over the same situation again.  However it is different when raising kids.  I also would love to learn how to say something to my boys in my normal voice and be taken seriously.  I do not like having to raise my voice or call in the big guns, my husband, for things to get done.  I am exaggerating slightly but it seems to be a thing all my friends who are mothers deal with when parenting.
*Portraits belong to Bonnie Rose Photography © 2007 – 2013 All Rights Reserved | http://www.bonnie-rose.co.uk 


Sports Day with a TCK Spotlight [VLOG]

Yesterday was one of those moments that I experience with my children that reinstates why I love raising them here in England.  As a Third Culture Kid myself, I really wanted to raise my sons as TCKs and travel with them through out the world.  I wanted their childhood to mirror my own and to give them even more than I ever experienced just as any parent would naturally feel about their children.  There is something so special as a simple school programme, like this Sports day, that can make having children so worth ever moment.  It was not about winning or losing but seeing the love of life and the joy of happiness coming from the little person you created.  
I know my son Ronan likes sports but we have not had the opportunity to have him involved in any sport teams outside of school yet.  All I knew was that he was very competitive and would be really hard on himself at school when he was not 100% amazing at something he just started learning.  Due to my work schedule last year this was my first time to see him participate in something with athletics.  I just did not realise he was so fast or that he loved running so much.  When he got home from school yesterday I swept him up in my arms, gave him a big hug and kiss.  I told him I would always love him so much and that his achievements that day did not affect my love for him but made me so proud to see him so happy.  
I have included some of the photos from yesterday below along with a special video about Third Culture Kids.  Ronan has wanted to guest post on my blog for a while now and we decided to do a VLOG format.  Thank you to all those who asked me questions on twitter and facebook for Ronan to answer.  Please let me know after you watch what you think. I know Ronan will want to read the comments so feel free to send him a shout out too. 

* Photography belongs to Bonnie Rose of Bonnie Rose Photography © 2007-2013 All Rights Reserved | http://www.bonnie-rose.co.uk 
**Video from Bonnie Rose on Vimeo.

Marriage, Inlaws and Cross Cultural Issues

It is official! My sister has finally booked her plane ticket which means my whole family will be for my vow renewal in about five weeks.  Granted ‘whole family’ means my mum and my sister.  I come from a very small family where both my grandmothers died before I was born and grew up with not a single cousin.  However if my dad was still alive you bet he would be here in a heart beat to support us.  I could not feel more blessed or more excited to see my kin.

Unfortunately I found out a couple of days ago that my husband will only have his father here to celebrate our ten years of marriage.  Despite years of rocky relationships with his side of the family we still have held out that change could happen.  That they would accept us a family. The problems all boil down to not meeting expectations and misunderstandings in our cross cultural relationship.  However you do not need a Third Culture Kid upbringing outside the US for this happen.  This could be the same situation with couples from families in different parts of the US with how vast and different the culture is through out the country.  

If you have been reading this blog for a bit you will know that I talk often about how life is not easy.  It is a valuable life lesson I work with my kids to understand.  We both come from families that did not talk and though there was lots of love lacked the intimacy.  It is something we have realised through our marriage and through what we want to change to be different for our kids. Marriage is not easy and ours took may pitfalls into a near divorce.  The silver lining is that life is also beautiful.  Through it all my husband and I are still married, are finally living in Europe, and are more happy now than ever.  To be celebrating ten years of marriage and to renew our vows in front of our family and friends is a big deal to us.

We, my husband and I, wanted this celebration to finally bring together the two families.  We can see how most of all the problems have arisen while on my in law’s turf.  My husband and I thought that having his family around my family and our friends and in our home country would help them assimilate to how our family works.  As a third culture kid and an American raised abroad there are many aspects of our life that they have not understood nor accepted.  From moving around a lot I know the easiest way to understand a new culture is to fully immerse yourself in it and get to know the people.  That was our hope from this summer.  I was finally excited to not have to ‘act’ a certain way or pretend to be someone we were not just when his parents were around because they live by different expectations.

It makes me sad for my husband.  Especially because I know how close he and my dad became and how proud he would be to support us.  I am also sad for our my kids. This is not the first time they have missed out on time with grandparents because of self imposed drama.  Last summer after a confrontation with my mother in law she left the state for several weeks, only wanting to return after I was back in England.  I wish I could say I am the root cause for it all, but it just happens over and over again. It is unfortunate.  However not all families talk about the problems.  They happen, no one addresses it and then they smile and act like nothing happens until it carries on into the next blow up. It is not healthy and though I cannot force my in laws to like me or to be here and support us I can share with you lessons I have learned from it all.

Just because it is different, it does not make it wrong. This is a sweet and simple statement from Disney’s Merlin animated film that I have used over and over with my in laws.  It is pretty much my go to answer when we run into differences in understanding about something.  If you just think about how big the world is, how many countries and cultures are within it, and how many different ways people live life day to day.  Not every one believes the same thing and it is okay. Would you go into someone’s house in a country across the world from you and preach to them about why their way of doing something is incorrect? Perhaps looking at close relationships the same way can help to understand those with different views. 
People Grow and Evolve. Yes it is true you cannot change a person, only they can decide to make the change for themselves.  People however do experience personal growth.  You cannot say that someone is a certain way or is a certain person because of something they said or did a decade ago.  We are also learning lessons continually in our lives.  However we are all also in different stages of our learning.  Just because you have learned the lesson on how to deal with personal conflict with others, does not mean someone else has learned it yet.  I have learned that instead of letting the hurtful words of other affect you, to be patient as they work through those important life lessons. This was something brought up by my friend Patricia this week. 
Don’t play the blame game.  This is a daily lesson I am helping my sons learn.  When confronted with why they are not ready for school, they are both quick to throw each other under the bus.  As adults I have noticed how the weight of exhaustion or stress can easily aid in placing the blame elsewhere.  I have learned the easiest way to avoid placing blame is to listen to the other person.  You might realize that they are really trying to reach out to you and all that it takes is deep breath and to be the bigger person. 
Don’t talk bad about others.  Most often from my experience people say the most cruel things about others because they are either deflecting from their own persona anxieties, stress, and hardships or because the unknown of the situation has them scared.  If people are saying bad things about you, sometimes it is best to just block them out.  Soon enough people will realize that they are spending more time bad talking about you than working out their own issues in their life.  If someone is constantly that unhappy there is a root issue that needs to be addressed.  I read a really good book years ago called ‘How to Be an Adult‘ which talked about how unresolved issues as a child can greatly affect our relationships as an adult.  
Life is short. Don’t waste your life on earth.  I wish I could have had just one day left with my dad to tell him how much I loved him and to say goodbye properly.  I wish I could have him back in my life so that he could be here this summer for our vow renewal.  There is nothing but death that would stop my parents from being here with us this summer.  The worse thing in life is to live with regrets and time is something you can never get back. 
You have to confront life to get past obstacles in life. Otherwise you are just running away from the problem. Confrontations are not fun, simple, nor easy.  But like ripping off a bandage, they have to happen if you want to heal wounds.  If you do not talk about things it does not make them go away. It only makes them fester and grow a toxicity inside you ready to blow.  When that happens it usually just makes the wound larger, it does not solve the problem.  You cannot run away from things or expect other people to speak up for you on your behalf just because you do not like it. If we as humans liked confrontations I think the word would be called something with a much softer tone to it.  The point is as an adult we have to learn how to confront others and how to work through problems.  We are all different and we may not always get a long but we can work through issues as adults. 
Be a positive person or get professional help if you are not. This lesson is what has made me indifferent to my entire in laws family.  You cannot change a person and if they are constantly upset, negative, angry, or putting toxic energy towards you than it may be a red flag that they are harboring much deeper issues.  If you cannot find the positive in people or in situations, perhaps it is time to seek out help.

Be Assertive.  I talk about things in my family.  I use things that happen in life and in current events to teach my children life lessons and to open up conversation. I do not believe in covering up the truth with sugar coated stories.  I really think the worst thing you can do is to not talk about something.  If I am having a bad day I would rather my husband know about it, than hope that he has magically gotten a sixth sense between when he left for work and when he got home.  You have to be assertive and act.

We have the power of choice.  You can choose how you act or react to situations.  I chose to Let Go when it came to things out of my control.  I also choose to be honest to my blog.  I love to take photographs and it is nice to be complimented on them, but I feel in turn I like to be open with my thoughts.  I think the worst thing is to be alone, to feel alone, or to have no one to talk too.  If you feel that way, feel free to talk with me as I have been there before.  It is through talking and through letting go that we can live life as adults and enjoy each precious day we are blessed with in our life.

Q: Have you ever experienced trials with families when it comes to different expectations or cultural differences?  How have you gotten through it?


Finding Happiness when Restlessness Strikes

Pleased to share with you that A Compass Rose now has over 300 followers.  Thank you for all the love and support.  Since there are quite a number of new readers I wanted to share this article that was originally a guest post at We Took The Road Less Traveled.  It contains my top list of how you can go about ‘Finding Happiness when Restlessness Strikes‘.  

Before I do let me give you a brief introduction about A Compass Rose.  I chose my blog name to reflect myself and my nomadic journey.  I was born in England to American parents and grew up moving around military bases in Europe until I was seventeen years old.  I am now thirty years old and I have yet to ever live in one place for more than three years at a time.  For the last two years I have been living the expat life with my family in England.  I am a Third Culture Kid (TCK), a military brat (and former military wife), an expat, and a global nomad.  
“But still the clever north wind was not satisfied.  It spoke…of towns yet to be visited,  friends in need yet to be discovered, battles yet to be fought” – Chocolat
I chose the quote above, a line from Chocolat, because it has always a chord with me.  I am always moving to a place, moving away from a place, or off on a trip exploring new lands.  I have been asked frequently if I can ever find peace in one place without having to move again.  To be honest I do not know the truth to that question.  I have said recently on my blog that I am the most content now in my life in England than I have been since we moved to the US in 2000.  However I have moved four times since relocating to England in 2011 and have only been in our current city since this past Christmas.  The metaphor of a north wind calling me to new places is quite the reality in my personal story. 


Finding Happiness when Restlessness Strikes


Whether you are a fellow nomad like myself or find yourself in a new land (currently or in your future) the urge to go somewhere else may arise.  For some this could be due to culture shock and wanting to return ‘home’.  Perhaps you have never moved outside your city but from reading travel blogs are aching to go abroad.  Whatever your reason may be for feeling restless I have compiled a list of ways to find contentment in your current location when the practicality of moving is not your best option.



With my husband, our sons, my sister Zoë, and my mum aka ‘Nonna’ at Christmas when we moved to Bath, England.

1. Go back to school. Enroll yourself into school or sign up for a workshop.  Sometimes all we need is a sense of direction.  Perhaps this means embarking on a new career path or finishing a degree.  Perhaps it is as simple as taking a night class for a new hobby you have always wanted to try.  Even just trying something completely new to step out of your comfort zone can be the difference of wanting to runaway and finding your new path.  My husband found his new path after the military by enrolling for a masters programme abroad in England. For me, now that we are here, I have wanted to take an adult ballet course or get back into horseback riding (a childhood passion I once enjoyed). The point is to expand your mind for learning and let the new opportunities and relationships that will occur from it take place. 

I work as a photographer but for a hobby I started taking weekly self portraits. 


2. Read a Book. I love to read because it is within a book that you can transport yourself to a new world or reality.  Tolkien has always been a favourite of mine since my dad used to read the Hobbit to me as a small girl.  Now I like to escape to the top of Solsbury Hill (ref to the Peter Gabriel song) outside my back garden and read when I need an escape.  Join GoodRead online to see what books your friends are reading or find a local book club that you can join.  The later could be a great way to meet new people as well.


Sharing my love of Harry Potter by reading it to my boys.  Their reward for each finished book is to see the film for the first time.

3. Learn a New Language. My only regret is not being fluent in another language.  I moved to often and too frequently between countries of other languages to become fluent in the country.  I have yet to stick with a language program to keep it up.  I am always trying to go back to learning Italian and have high hopes for learning another three languages. For me the struggle is not having anyone with whom I can practice a new language. Join a class, club, or group where you can practice your language.  Maybe find an online penpal through the blogging sphere that you can do language practice with through a Google Hangout.  It might just inspire you on a new vacation where you can really put that language study into practice. 

 By learning a new language you break down a barrier to be opened up to many more relationships.

4. Try a New Recipe. Whether you are a gourmet chef at heart or just try to not burn water when making pasta, you can find inspiration through cooking.  I find the best part of cooking is being able to share it with others so maybe plan a special dinner or host a small party.  Find a country or a theme to prepare foods around.  Maybe you once traveled to South East Asia and want to reminisce your trip.  If you find yourself homesick, take a positive turn and learn to cook something new from your home’s local cuisine. 

Last Autumn my BFF, though miles away, sent me her crust recipe and I made my first pie.

5. See your current location through new eyes. More specifically younger eyes.  Whether you have your own kids or are friends with those younger and shorter beings it can be a refreshing advantage point.  I honestly would miss out on so much if I didnt talk to my kids about what they experience in life.  I like to give my kids cameras and we will go out on a walk and take photographs.  Being able to see our surroundings through their eyes (and their much shorter heights) always opens my mind and heart to more than what I would normally perceive.   


Normally I would walk past a pile of leaves, but when out with my kids in London it became a playground filled with laughter. 

6. Play the Tourist.  It is really easy to take things for granted when you live somewhere.  The easiest way to see your current surroundings through a new light is to pretend like you are only just visiting for the first time.  Grab a tour guide book or go on a bus tour of your city.   Experience the places you have seen before and explore the places you have yet to have seen.  Perhaps there is a new restaurant that you have yet to try out. Or that museum you have been meaning to check out but have yet to go inside.  Grab your camera and document your day out.

My kids picked up local maps and guides from the rail station and we went off exploring. 

7.  Meet Somebody New. This is easier done when you are younger or enrolled in school. If you find yourself always at home or always around the same people, find a reason to meet new people.  Perhaps you signed up for a lecture or a weekend wine tasting.  Maybe you decided to volunteer in your local area.  Maybe now is the time to finally meet your neighbours.  However you go about it make new friends with people and see how it opens your world view. 

I (third from the left) attended a Live Blogging Show at Bristol Fashion Week and met new bloggers and friends. 

8. Fall in Love.  I have heard it said that if it was easy to fall in love, we would all be in love.  However falling in love can make a place you felt lost in become a place refreshed with purpose and give you a reason to stay.  Maybe you are already married and so you feel this option does not apply to you. There are many types of love and perhaps it is the right time to fall in love with a sweet animal from the shelter who needs a new home.  Or maybe you find a way to fall in love with your current city.  Life is filled with so much purposed when you surround yourself with love.  It could be as easy as just ridding your life of toxicity to find the love that already exists. 


I found my happiness by falling in love with my husband all over again as we experience the new life as Expats. 

9. Plan Ahead.  Just because you do not need to move or travel far away at this moment does not mean you cannot plan.  I get most excited about planning out my new adventures.  Sometimes its just comforting to pull out my travel book from the shelf and read through different countries I would love to explore next.  You could start a Pinterest board of places you would like to visit. Make lists of the things you would like to do or see in a certain area.  Talk to other bloggers who live in places where you would love to visit.  Visit my MAP of Expat and Travel bloggers to find those who live in certain countries and start following their journeys.


http://www.bonnieroseblog.co.uk/p/blog-page_6011.html


10. Go on a Mini Break.  While the definitions of a mini break can vary from person to person given your means and time allowances just getting a way for a little bit can help bring you focus.  Perhaps you are a busy mum who can only just get one day off to be pampered at the spa.  Or perhaps you are a couple who can escape to the mountains for the weekend. Whatever fits your lifestyle find a way to get a way from the normal day to day life to recharge your batteries. 



While living in Brighton we took a mini break to Lewes, where Anne of Cleaves had a house, and stayed at a luxurious B&B for our anniversary.

I hope you have enjoyed my top ten ways you can help ward off restlessness and that it helps you fall in love all over again with your current location, with life, and with those special to you.  



*Photography belongs to Bonnie Rose Photography © 2013 All Rights Reserved | www.bonnie-rose.co.uk

The Strength in Letting Go

Day 30, Thursday: React to this term, ‘Letting Go’




QUOTE BY
D e e p a k   C h o p r a 

In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, 
but you will find yourself.
Self Portrait by Bonnie Rose Photography © 2013 All Rights Reserved
My fifteen year old self watched on the big screen as Rose let go of Jack’s hand.  I was unable to fathom why she did not find a way to share the piece of wreckage that looked big enough for him to rest beside her.  ‘Never let go‘ he told her.  His last words were more of a metaphor then telling her to cling on to a now dead Jack from the frigid ocean water.  I walked out of the cinema in Germany with my friend talking about how we would have never let Leonardo DiCaprio go. We would have found a way.  I was taught to hold on frequently through life.  As a little girl holding my parents’ hand, in the absence of my father during the war, and through moves to new countries and cities.  You hold on.  
Especially as a Third Culture Kid, a girl who spent a significant part of her childhood living in and out of different countries, I was holding on to all of my past.  To all my past ‘homes’, all my friends, and all my memories.  This ingrained in me the type of friend I would become as an adult, fighting for friendships that others would easily walk away from.  I was forced to say goodbye to friends because of moving and so I would hold on quicker and tighter to friendships knowing what it meant to have that them at all. There was one friend who was kinda rough around the edges but I always stood by his side.      I like to think that everyone has the best intentions and there is a heart attached to every soul.  I would always seek him out and bring him back to our group of friends when he had not been seen from in a while.  He was the closest I have come to having a brother and I honestly cared about him as much as I enjoyed his company.  The last time I sought him out he revealed to me that in his mind I was the cause of his failed relationship with a mutual friend.  To me it came way out of left field though it explained much in hindsight.  It was at that moment after seven years of an off and on friendship, that I found the clarity to let go.    
When my husband and I were going through rough times I was counselled to get out for a while.  Not to leave forever, but to get away before things between us got worse.  That leaving for a awhile would help shock things back on the path towards recovery for our marriage and our future together.  So when I saw an opportunity arise for a trial separation we took it.  I had been hanging on through the loss of my dad and realised that it was not making me stronger.  It took more strength and courage to let go than try to survive. Letting go restored my soul as I allowed others to be responsible for themselves. Through that freedom of stress I found myself. I would not have thought there was strength in letting go.  Not when people around me were telling me I was in the wrong for leaving. In the end my husband and I found our way back to each other and put our family back together.  I find truth in the counsel I was given for it fixed what was broken in the first place.  
As children we relearn simple lessons over and over until we finally comprehend the wisdom behind it to implement the right action into our life.  As adults I believe it is no different.  Though the hardships and stresses may differ, in retrospect I see the lesson in the end to be similar.  I have had to let go in many facets of my life as a child and now as an adult.  Even when we lose things or people in life we still have to let go of the lingering pain.  
After fighting for a decade with my in laws and hoping that they would eventually ‘see me for me’ and love me unconditionally I was pushed to the breaking point of the relationship.  Despite my own dislike for confrontations I brought out the problems in conversation, called it out and laid it on the table.    I wanted to get it out, get over it and move on from the same fights that would arise.  Growing up in Italy I saw how a family would have an loud boisterous fight at the table, get it all out, and then move on. Yet some people can never let go because they keep so much emotional baggage locked up, with fear of ever talking about it.  Their thoughts, words, actions, and judgements I cannot control.  I finally realised last Autumn I could not force anyone to like me and time nor distance would not necessarily make any difference.  I found the strength through the storm to let go.  In the end I found indifference. Which if I cannot have love, is better than harbouring the opposite.  
The simple truth is if we had control over something we would not let it hurt us or strain our life.  So by letting go of things and people of which we do not have control, we are essentially letting go of the toxic and negative aspects in our life.  That is what we have control over.  It is where we find our inner strength and through it our true selves.  
“Some of us think holding on makes us strong,
 but sometimes it is letting go.” – Herman Hesse

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*Self Portrait by Bonnie Rose of Bonnie Rose Photography © 2013 All Rights Reserved | www.bonnie-rose.co.uk