Category Archives: thoughts

Gems of Happiness in Motherhood

Day 14, Tuesday: Ten things that make you really happy for the Blog Every Day in May challenge.

Today is my youngest son’s 6th Birthday and after abruptly waking him up with ‘Wake up birthday boy its your birthday!’ I guided him downstairs for his surprise. We had decorated the couch with bunting and balloons with his first present waiting for him with a ‘6’ badge to wear to school. After singing Happy Birthday we shot of confetti guns and Maddox opened his present of new Horrid Henry books. It was great morning and I look forward to the rest of our celebrations after school. We are taking Maddox to get his first Build-A-Bear at the workshop in town and eating out for a special dinner. My mum got him a proper sized tent thats waiting in my closet so I look forward to future camping trips with my family. I know he is going to be really surprised. Thank you Nonna!

My sister is five and half years younger (to the day, so we share half birthdays with actual birthdays) and I always thought that was a huge age gap. Now that Maddox, my youngest, is six years old my baby fever is worse as ever. Having two sons I still have high hopes for adding a baby girl to our family one day. It is new ground to plan a baby because we did not plan the other pregnancies. Due to the military my husband missed out on a lot of the early months of Ronan’s life and almost the entire pregnancy with Maddox. Having a more stable life as expats in England I look forward to experiencing having a child abroad. I do not know at this time when we will start trying but I am constantly reflecting on what I love about motherhood.

Enjoying country walks in England, a pastime I enjoyed with my own father, is a gem of motherhood.

Gems of Happiness in Motherhood

When they giggle in their sleep. The sound melts my heart. I have yet to it capture on camera, but they still do it.
The Lessons of Life. It can be some of the most insightful, challenging and sometimes hardest part of life growing up. Sometimes the most rewarding. I make sure my sons realize that life is not easy. So when they accomplish something like mastering the diving board at the deep end of the pool they realize their accomplishments. I love sharing those moments with them.
When they notice things about life. Things that you would not have seen because you are a grown up. I love viewing the world through my children’s eyes.
Holidays and Birthdays. Each one is special and count down the days till the next one. Children get so excited about them and they are more fun as a parent than I remember from being little.
Reliving my childhood through my children. Raising Third Culture Kids (TCKs) in a similar nomadic life as my own. Taking them to places I went to like Disneyland, having them go to school in England like I did, watching shows and films I loved as a child, etc. Its an interesting take on the past while living in the present.
The Spontaneity. Things I dont look forward to or plan can be some of my favourite memories. I took my boys out on an impromptu hike after school one day and we had such a great time. Life is too short not to be lived in the moment.
The things they say. Sometimes its heartfelt and sometimes its hilarious. I honestly never know what to expect from the mouths of my sons. I enjoy especially my one on one conversations with my sons when they come home from school.
Their Growth. Watching them get older. Looking back through photos and videos. Comparing them through out the years as they grow. Its an amazing thing about life.
When the hug, kiss, or say ‘I love you’. Especially when you are least expecting it. Especially when you really need it.

#BlogEveryDayInMay
*photographs found here either belong to Bonnie Rose of Bonnie Rose Photography © 2013 All Rights Reserved | www.bonnie-rose.co.uk

TCK & Expat: Sorry I’m Not Sorry

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Day 13, Monday of the Blog Every Day in May Challenge: Issue a public apology. This can be as funny or as serious or as creative as you want it to be.

I have had a bad habit growing up of saying ‘I’m sorry’ too often. Yes you should be able to say you are sorry. However someone would trip in front of me and my first inclination is to hold out my hand to grab them as I am saying ‘I’m sorry’, not that it was in anyway my fault they tripped over their own two feet. Having been born and grown up in England twice in my developmental years I have realized from moving back here as an expat that I am just very ‘English’. We apologize as a default reaction to any of life’s irritants. If someone else pushes into you on the pavement (sidewalk) or is at fault for spilling your drink at the pub you respond back with ‘sorry’. It is the currency of common curtesy.

There are still many things that people apologise for in life for which I believe you should not have to apologize. This is my list of those things as a Third Culture Kid (TCK) and as an Expat. They are fifteen things that I have been misunderstood for or accused of by others including family. It is personal.

Sorry I’m Not Sorry…

…for the choices of my parents or my spouse.
The majority of my father’s long career in the USAF was spent on military bases overseas. My parents chose that lifestyle. My husband became the son my father never had and he chose to enlist in USAF for several years after we were married. I stand behind the choices of those close in my life. I do not have to apologise to others for being their reason for it was their choice.

…for pursuing happiness.
Leaving jobs, transferring my kids from other schools, and moving across the globe to live an Expat life. For doing what I really want to do and living where I really feel most happy.

…for crying.
Being able to release the stress and express my self in mascara ruining tears is part of life. It is not a sign of weakness. I would also like to add ‘grieving’ to this following the loss of my father. I had to do it alone away from the support of family. It is human emotion.

…for being loud.
I have in laws who do not understand the way I parent, the way I teach, or the way I react if you begin a fight with me about my family. Having spent a significant part of my childhood in Italy it is ingrained in me to get loud and passionate in the many facets of my life. It does not mean I or the culture I grew up in have anger problems. ‘I’m not yelling, I’m Italian’.

…for finding happiness.
Before we moved to back to Europe I was not fully happy nor content. I was told by many that my need to return to Europe was to connect back to my childhood. They said if I was unhappy in the United States (the country of my parents origin, not mine) that I would still be unhappy in Europe. However my husband and I both found a sense of happiness that we have not experienced in so many years anywhere else. We are complete. I am in the right to say ‘I told you so’ but I should not have to do so.

…for being frugal.
I shop for hidden gems in thrifts stores and Saturday markets. I look online on amazon or ebay for cheaper alternatives than the stores. As much as I love to shop I seldom actually buy something for myself. It does not mean I am cheap. It means I know how much is in our means and it is my way to give my family all that they want without blowing it all on something costly and materialistic.

…for demanding respect.
Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself when no one else will. I never wish on anyone to be treated the way I have been as a wife and a mother by my in laws. Stand up for yourself and request the respect you deserve. Anything less is doing yourself and your family disrespect.

…for decisions made.
Never apologise for decisions you make, even if others do not understand or agree with you. Whether they end up being good or bad ones, as we learn from our mistakes. You are the one who has to live with the consequences, not other people. Follow your heart not their judgements.

….for changing your mind.
It is your prerogative and you should not continue to think or do something if through life you find yourself changing. Evolving is a human process.

…for someone else whose having a bad day.
People tend to attack others, point fingers, or make negative judgments at others when they themselves are dealing witha lot going their life and are essentially having a ‘bad day’. Do not feel you have to take any of that personally nor make excuses for their behaviour. Go ahead and unconditionally love them back but do not make excuse or apologise for it.

…for being honest.
I am well aware that I may have much different views in certain or many aspects of life when talking to someone who grew up elsewhere in life. It is okay to be different. It is not okay to be dishonest. Standing up and being yourself is different from not accepting people of different cultures or backgrounds. You should not have to apologise for being true to who you are.

…for not tolerating bad behaviour.
If we are out my husband and I request the same behaviour and attitude of my sons that we would want in the home. I should not have to apologise for parenting when I am in public. I am raising future adults, not adult children who will be entitled and think life is easy and just.

…for being inexperienced.
We as humans are always learning and always growing. We do not automatically become the best of the best when we embark on new paths or try new things. It is okay to be a beginner and you should not have to apologise for making mistakes or not being as experienced as others in the same subject.

…for saying how you feel.
You do have to show respect and courtesy when you do. But remember that someone people just take things personally whether you are polite or not.

…for where you come from.
I cannot easily answer that question but I can start with not apologising for it or the many cultures that have made me who I am today. Yes I may think, say or doing things differently than what other Americans who sound like me would expect. But it is because of my nomadic childhood in Europe and that makes me different not wrong. Whether you are a TCK or come from a town in California you should not have to apologise for it.

‘Sorry I’m Not Sorry’ conclusion:
I end this by saying the majority of personal conflicts I have had come from interactions with my husband’s family. Minor ones come from trying to assimiliate into American culture as an American who was raised abroad. If you are a Third Culture Kid who has moved to your parents home country or culture you may feel you have to apologise for every facet of your personality and life. Be courtesy and polite but do not let others make you feel like you have to apologise for who you are. Trust me as someone who has had the majority of my personal conflicts come from my in laws you have to stand up for your identity and your family. It is too easy to just pass judgments it is harder to accept the differences in others. Differences scare people. Hopefully by being strong and giving it time those who make you feel sorry will see the beauty in you.

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*photographs found here either belong to Bonnie Rose of Bonnie Rose Photography © 2013 All Rights Reserved | www.bonnie-rose.co.uk

When People Oppose and Attack You

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Today is the eight day of May with the Blog Every Day in May challenge. Feel free to join in and if you catch this anytime through out the month feel free to just jump right in. Day 8, Wednesday: A piece of advice you have for others. Anything at all.

Today’s post may seem quite short in the spectrum of my normal long winded thoughts or photography heavy posts. I honestly believe the advice I have to give can prevent a whole lot of stress, heartache, and toxicity from others into your life. Maybe what I have to say will not benefit you personally, but someone close to you. Whatever the case may be I hope this wisdom can heal or protect hearts of others.
Advice from Bonnie Rose: “Do not let unsolicited advice or negative judgments from others affect your heart, mind, and soul. If you care too much about the negative judgements and toxicity of others, it will in turn make your life toxic too. Only heartache and stress can come of it.” – Bonnie Rose (author of A Compass Rose blog)
No joke. Every time someone in my life has said something angry, negative, or mean towards me they have had something else going on in their life. Of course at the time I will inevitably get sad, hurt, and even angry by response. How else would you react to someone throwing unsolicited advice, negative comments, or hateful actions about you? In retrospect looking back at the many times this has happened, every time the person throwing this toxicity into my life has been dealing with something personal in their own life. To state it simply people like to point fingers or address the wrong in others before looking at their own life and to avoid dealing with their own problems.
There was the friend whose parents were going through a divorce, or the friend dealing with an impending divorce in secret, or the family member going through a miscarriage and trying to get pregnant. Just three examples of people dealing with real and seriously life issues that have decided to throw dirt in my face, so to speak. Real people going through real problems and then attacking someone else for whatever reason, be it true or false. To be honest I took them out of my life and focused on those that really mattered. I only wish I knew back then what I see plainly now. Whatever angry and toxic comments and actions they were directing at me was just them covering up and ignoring their own problems. It is not right, it certainly is not fair, and it most definitely is not nice. But you do not have to let the negative unsolicited advise of others affect you so deeply.
If it happens take a moment to mediate and reflect. Obviously if you are in real danger or there is a threat, act accordingly. But if their attack is not all that threatening and it just involves you ignoring them, blocking them out, or removing their toxicity from your life then do the later.
We may not be able to control other people but you can control how you react.
Sometimes people oppose or attack your choices simplybecause they are different or remind them of their own.Don’t let it get to you, be kind and make decisions youknow are good for yourself and the world. Question everything. We have to be the change we want to see in the world.– Nirrimi Joy Firebrace Brisbane, Queensland

Q: Have you ever noticed this to be true with people you have interacted with in your life? How have you dealt with the toxicity of others?

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*photographs found here either belong to Bonnie Rose of Bonnie Rose Photography © 2013 All Rights Reserved | www.bonnie-rose.co.uk

I am Scared of Losing You

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Today is the seventh day of May with the Blog Every Day in May challenge. Feel free to join in and if you catch this anytime through out the month feel free to just jump right in. Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you’re most afraid of.

I have always answered the question ‘What makes you most afraid?’ with a more serious answer than just spiders or the dark. I really do dislike spiders and find the unknown in the darkness to be quite terrifying. However, my deepest feeling of being afraid comes from the fear of being alone. Perhaps this is a common fear among the population with a need to be connected and to be heard. On a more personal level I see this fear of being alone coming from many years of having to say ‘goodbye’ and being in a new place again and again. While I would never want to have my childhood any less nomadic the price comes with times of solitude.

In my life, people do not tend to stay very long. They come and go easily, just as I move in and out easily. I have constantly and always moved every 2-3 years (if not more frequently) since I was born. My father, an officer in the USAF, was always coming and going with his job. There would be some times where he would be gone more frequently or for longer stretches of time due to war. While my self conscious has blocked out the multitude of his absence, I really only remember the good times when he was around. As a young married adult with kids of my own I really wanted to work on our relationship despite the long distance between us. At times it felt like my husband (who was then also in the military) could connect and talk with him much easier. Despite his long military career he was a very happy man full of life and love for others. I was just looking forward to being able to bond with him in my adult years. I was twenty five when was killed and ending any further connection between a daughter and her father.

I have had to deal with periods of being alone since then and have realized I pretty much fall short. It is not that I am so scared of being alone that it thwarts my life. It is that I view the purpose of living to be centered around the love and experience with those in our life. I do not believe we were made to be alone. It is in the hardest of times and the darkest of times that we need others more than ever. Having been alone and going through the loss of my dad, to be followed with the almost dissolution of my marriage within the same year is something I would not wish on another human being. I look back on those years and see how it has made me stronger. It has made some relationships in my life, like with my husband, better than before. However that fear is not gone.

I’m still terrified of losing someone.

My dad was killed on his bicycle by a person in a car under the influence of drugs.
My mother’s brother, who was mentally challenged, had been killed on a bicycle.
During my freshman year of Uni I was hit by a car on a bicycle and luckily walked away with just scrapes and bruises.

Source: Remember Charles

I have not yet let my boys ride bicycles since my dad’s passing. They have gotten to play on similar items in the safety of a yard and under my watchful eye. It is not the bicycles, but the fear of others hurting my loved ones that scares me. Mountain biking in the countryside would be fine.

In the last week my husband has gotten a bike helmet and bright orange safety backpack. His bicycle to ride to work is on its way. I would be lying if I said I was not scared. As we do not have a car he walks to and from work every day and a bicycle would cut down on the time. Having ‘gasped’ at a few drivers here in England already who are going too fast on the road I walk on with the kids it scares me that something might happen to him.

I am scared that something might happen to my family, especially now when everything is so much better. When this is the happiest and most content my family has ever been and I’m scared of what might happen.

***

I end this by saying that if you drive a car please drive safe. Nothing is so important that you are in that much of a hurry to put others in danger. Do not even touch your phone if you are operating a motor vehicle. Do not put others lives at risk just to see a text message or answer a call. If you have taken any drugs (legal or not), any alcohol or are sleep deprived do not drive. If you are a driver and there is a cyclist around you do not get upset because they are not in a car. Show respect and curtesy by giving them the proper distance and space. To me driving is a privilege and you are on the road near people who are loved by someone back home. Share the road.

Source: Remember Charles

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*photographs found here either belong to Bonnie Rose of Bonnie Rose Photography © 2013 All Rights Reserved | www.bonnie-rose.co.uk

Expat: Choosing the Expat Life

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The first Thursday of every month I will be linking up with Lost in Travels and Postcards from Rachel for the Expat Diaries instead of my usual ‘Throwback Thursday’ photography posts. Today I commence the Expat Diaries series on my A Compass Rose with a beginning look at ‘Choosing the Expat Life’. This is my personal look at how my husband and I got to where we are today living abroad in England.

When I met my husband at Harding University we were in a traveling theatre group that ministered to youth groups in churches in and out of state. He was a sophomore with an ever changing major and I was an incoming freshman with a plan to leave after two years. My whole life up to that point had been centered around theatre and living overseas. I was going to work on my theatre degree for two years and then hopefully transfer to a prestigious Theatre school in Australia. I had already planned out my semester abroad the following year at the University’s campus in Sydney to help me in my endeavors. Short story: The goal I had for myself was that I would be going places.

On our first date during Spring semester I told him how I was going going to be leaving to go to Australia to pursue my dreams in Theatre. My husband told me later he knew on that date that he was going to marry me. Long story short I fell head over heels for the American boy and my first real love. We dated for one semester before getting engaged for just a year. We got married the summer before his Senior year, nine months later we were pregnant with our first son, and had a newborn nine months after that. Any plans to go to Australia or be a starving actress in Los Angeles shifted as my life took a new focus and direction.

During our engagement we came up with new plans that would involved the two of us together. My only need was to be living overseas. Since we were going to a private Christian university this developed into embarking on a life of mission work. There was a current team at my small church in Naples, Italy where I had lived before we moved to the US. I figured we could put together a team from students on campus and return to help with the on going work. It seemed perfect because my husband could see the place where I had lived twice in my life, being the closest thing to a home that I had. After we were married a situation arose back in Italy closing down that path to us. As one door closes another one opens. We were invited to join a team going to southern Thailand with a summer camp friend of my husband. I had not yet been to Asia and my husband had not yet left North America, so the excitement of a new world captivated us. We formed a small team to live in Thailand that Summer working with a church to teach English. I was pregnant with Ronan when we lived in Bangkok and so our family was top priority on our minds. We learned from the locals how dangerous it had become recently where we wanted to move with the other missionary team. Between the issue of safety and other circumstances the group never went forth to that area of the Thailand. My husband and I felt lost at that point because we knew we wanted to go abroad but we did not know what to do with our lives. We needed to decide fast because Ryan was finishing his degree and I was getting closer to having our baby.

I was a freshman during 9/11 and Ryan and I had been together that first weekend on a trip with our ministry theatre group. Since then talks about the military (due to my father being an officer in the USAF) came up frequently. Ryan had even talked to a recruiter about a master degree to be a chaplain in the military. So we decided after the baby was born we would move to Arizona where my parents live and he would enlist. My father, dressed in his officer’s uniform, escorted his son-in-law to make sure the recruiters did not try to pull the wool over his eyes (as they can do). He put in that we really wanted an overseas assignment and we began the process of being a military family. My parents did six overseas tours in Europe. I figured, having known enough families that would rather stay stateside, it would be easy to do. My husband got a linguistics job that ironically would never send him to Europe, nor Asia, despite the fact that he was learning Chinese. After training in Monterey, California it would be one tour in Hawaii, followed by DC, and repeat the process through out the time spent in the military. We were so blessed to be stationed in such beautiful places but my heart was calling me elsewhere.

The Military Life on Oahu, Hawaii

The actual story of how we got from that point in our life to where we are today is not really a pretty one. Nor is it flattering. Since it does not pertain to life of an Expat, I’ll leave that story for another day. I had my English passport and I was more than ready to leave. I came to the US in 2000 with my parents and in 2011 my husband took me back to Europe. Though he was enrolled in school for his masters degree, we came with no jobs and no place to live. We essentially lived in a hostel until we were able to figure things out. It included an expensive trip back for Ryan when we were told incorrect information about his application for a marriage visa. We have also learned a lot of other mistakes along the way as rookie expats. To be fair I knew what an expat was in definition but did not fully know what it meant to be an expat until we became expats. I also did not know how vast and huge the expat world is today. Honestly had I known and had I been able to connect years back maybe I would have saved myself from some of the heartache of being a Third Culture Kid living in a foreign land of America.

Living in England with our family

The current life for expats is much different than how it would have been twenty or thirty years past due to online social networks. An expat life can be open to loneliness especially when you live very far away from family. However I do not have a ‘home’ and I dont have those friends I have grown up with my whole childhood from moving so often. But I connect with people living nomadic lives as adults that now it seems you dont ever have to feel alone. I had not realized even until the start of this year how much resources there are for expats and how many expats share their personal stories online through blogging. I find much happiness and fulfillment from just conversing with other expats all over the world on a day to day basis. I never found twitter as useful as I do today because I can easily talk with people who understand the ups and downs of expat life in seconds. If you have a heart for travel, for the world, for letting new cultures and ways of living into your life then I recommend choosing the expat life. Although the community of expats is spread worldwide, it is a close knit community. We chose the Expat life to come back to the only life I had known. We choose to stay with the Expat life because we have made a home for ourselves and essentially found our home in the world.

Q: Why have you chosen or do you want to choose the Expat life?

If you liked this you can also check out: Expat: Finding Love Abroad and Travel: Moving Abroad

Bonnie Rose

Monday at a Snails Pace

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I headed down to the store this morning on the high street and had to keep stepping over snails.I honestly lost count at how many I had to walk around as to not hear a crunching sound from under my boot. Since I always have a camera on me I took the time to bend down and snap a few photos of them. Sometimes like the snail it can feel like we are waiting forever for something to happen. Like the ten years it took me to finally get back to living in Europe. However time is all about context and it can go past us quicker than a blink of the eye. I honestly still cannot believe it is the last couple days of April before we are in May of 2013. It does not seem that long ago that it was Christmas and we had just moved into our new place in Bath, England. My youngest will be turning six years old in May and I can hardly belive that much time has gone past. So how come when life seems to moving so fast, can it seem like it also moves so slow? For me I am just trying to make sure I make the most of every day and that I devote my time and energy on those I love and those who mean the purpose of life.Make sure you tell the ones you love how you feel today. Though it might feel like ‘just another monday’ its another precious day of life that will pass by fast.

“A man builds a house in England with the expectation of living in it and leaving it to his children We shed our houses in America as easily as a snail does his shell.” – Harriet Beecher Stowe
xxBonnie Rose
*phone photography by Bonnie Rose Photography © 2013 All Rights Reserved | www.bonnie-rose.co.uk

The Best Weekend so Far

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This has been the best weekend so far. I start this post off with quite lofty expectations of what my family and I did these past two days. To be fair we really have not done that much. We did leave the house yesterday on our weekly country walk. It was not the most amazing country walk that we have gone on since we moved here at the end of December. There were no celebrity sightings nor did we go visit any museums. I could list off and ramble a good amount of other things that could give reason to why this weekend could have been amazing. I do not need too. This has been the best weekend so far for the pure reason that we were together and we enjoyed every moment. Life has made it apparent to me in recent years of how short it can be. I have also seen how miserable life can be when you cannot share the preciousness with those you love. How you can not get back the time once it has past.

This was the best weekend so far because we lived the moment. We enjoyed our country walk and relished over how much we love being outside. We saw a couple of young deer and two wild pheasants. We got to travel through a part of the countryside we have yet to explore. My kids accustomed to our long walks did not complain once this weekend the entire time we were outside and were able to keep up. We had an amazingly warm day where no jackets were needed and we wished we were all wearing a summer wardrobe. Back at home we enjoyed watching the Arsenal football game together cuddled on the couch. Afterwards we realized it was much warmer outside than it was in our home. Ryan got the lawn chairs out and we sat outside drinking wine and talking as a family. The best part was counting ten different hot air balloons and a hangglider up in the sky from our back garden.

It is only midday of Sunday and our weekend continues. I look forward to soaking up every second of it. I hope you are all enjoying every precious moment with the ones that matter most in your life.

Bonnie Rose